I was diagnosed in January 1989. The AIDS epidemic was at a certain height by then and I had known of a lot of people who were ill with HIV or AIDS, or who had died. In 1989, I had a throat problem and went to a doctor who recommended I take the test. I thought I was intellectually very prepared for whatever my diagnosis would be. But, when the counselor did tell me I was positive, I was much more emotionally impacted than I expected. My head was okay, but the wind was knocked out of me.
I felt I really needed time to digest it as far as telling family and loved ones, but my partner at the time knew I was being tested and I told him the news immediately. He was very supportive. Although each person has to make his/her own decisions about disclosure, I personally think it is very bad to keep it only to yourself. By discussing my status with my recovery group and also medical and psychological people, I relieved myself of the burden of isolation. Then I took my own steps to later tell my family and loved ones. I tried to be very supportive and involved with AIDS activism and later realized how much I benefited from those who were really very, very activist.
I think I understand and I’ve known lots of people who have suffered great stigma in very hurtful personal ways. I feel for them. In my own case, since I’m comfortable and proud, I haven’t been aware of any blatant rejection. The kind of people who would reject me are so inconsequential to my life that I just don’t know who they are. I’ve had more experiences of people walking across the street to say hello to me without mentioning AIDS just to show that they were not going to turn their backs on me. I think those of us who can be public and speak out do that not only for our own well being but to help others.
One thing I believe is that any prejudice or any stigma is very immune suppressive for the person receiving it -- if they allow themselves to think that they are less worthy because of other peoples' ignorance. I feel greatly freed from that burden by not fearing stigma, but certainly regretting it when it happens to other people. If we’re ever with people who are prejudiced or speak ignorantly about people with HIV/AIDS, we need to say why it’s wrong and why we won’t tolerate it. If we don’t, then we’re part of the problem.
I feel gratitude that I’m still alive and still able to do things of interest and importance to me. I’ve had the realization that HIV/AIDS was a big kick in the pants. It helped me do things that continue to help, to try and realize more fully who I am as a human being. I’m grateful for the experiences I’ve had and for the people in my life because of HIV/AIDS. I’ve been with a cross section of Americans of all backgrounds in a spirit of unconditional love. My own interests and career are to promote international cooperation worldwide, so being a member of the international family confronting HIV/AIDS is a great gift.
At the same time, none of us living with HIV want anyone else to be infected, so I would encourage people to protect themselves from becoming infected with HIV, which really is relatively easy. But not only that, don’t wait for some tragedy or disaster to happen before you explore who you really are!
|
